Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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