Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
