you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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