I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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