Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
where are my eyebrows?
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