Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
