Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
