Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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