I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
