I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
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