I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
