I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
