your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
