i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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