I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
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