My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
