70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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