This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
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