she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
