Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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