whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
