btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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