What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
