i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
