Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
