Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
