It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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