i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
