I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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