i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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