You work out of a Hotel?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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