hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
