She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
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