The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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