Your mouth is God's brothel.
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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