i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
