I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
