I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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