the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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