Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
