We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
