Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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