they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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