I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
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