so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
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