when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
So much Jack, so little girl.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
