well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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