just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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