Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
