i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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